Daily-Dose

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From New Yorker

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From Ars Technica

From Jokes Subreddit

  • Sister Mary Had a Question for her 4th Grade Class -

    Sister Mary asked her students, “Does anyone know what part of your body goes to heaven first?”
    Little Johnny excitedly raised his hand in the back, but Sister Mary, with a practiced smile, called on Suzy instead.
    “The heart, Sister,” Suzy declared, “because that’s where we hold our love for Jesus!”
    “A delightful answer, Suzy,” Sister Mary beamed. “Does anyone else have a different thought?”
    Johnny’s hand shot up again, but Sister Mary hesitated. Instead, she addressed another student, Margaret.
    “The brain, Sister,” Margaret said confidently, “because that’s where we contemplate Jesus and his teachings.”
    “Great answer, Margaret! I appreciate your thoughtful response.”
    Finally, only Johnny’s hand remained raised. Begrudgingly, Sister Mary called on him.
    “Yes, Johnny?”
    “The feet, Sister,” Johnny said.
    Sister Mary raised an eyebrow. “Okay, Johnny, why do you think your feet are the first thing to go to heaven?”
    “Well, the other day, I walked into my parents’ room and my mother’s feet were in the air, and she was yelling, ’I’m coming, God! I’m coming!”

    submitted by /u/FunnyKozaru
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  • A guy and his monkey walks into a bar -

    The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone’s amazement he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

    The bartender looked at the guy and said

    “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

    “No, what?”

    “He just ate the cup ball off my pool table. Whole!”

    “Yeah that doesn’t surprise me, he eats everything in sight. Don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”

    The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, paid for the stuff his monkey ate and left.

    Two weeks later the man came back and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started to run around the bar. He found a cherry, grabbed it and stuck it up his ass, pulled it out then ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut and then once again stuck it up his ass, pulled it out,then ate it.

    The bartender asks, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”

    “No, what?”

    “He stuck both a cherry and peanut up his arse, pulled it out, then ate them!”

    “Yeah that doesn’t surprise me. He’ll eat anything. But ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures first.”

    submitted by /u/HospitalQuiet619
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  • Three Men Sit in a Russian Prison Cell -

    Two recently arrested men share a prison cell along with a mysterious stranger, quietly awaiting his fate in the shadows. Clutching the prison bars, the two new arrivals strike up a conversation.

    The first man asks: “So what are you in for?”

    The second man replies: “The NKVD arrested me because I supported Menshnekov.”

    The first man is clearly surprised. “Huh. I’m in here because I was against Menshnekov.”

    They both turn around to find the mysterious stranger slowly leaning forward into the light. “I’m in here because I AM Menshnekov!”

    submitted by /u/form_d_k
    [link] [comments]